How To Treat Cheating Husband


How To Treat Cheating Husband
Be selective about who you tell – Your gut reaction might be to blast your partner’s indiscretions across social media for all to see, which Travis McNulty, LMHC, practicing in Florida says is a common coping mechanism. “I’ve seen people in this position go to extreme lengths to hurt their spouse in a very public manner,” he says.

  1. Often this is done out of rage and with lack of clarity that usually makes the person who was cheated on look bad or crazy by how they react.” It’s healthy to talk to someone about what you’re going through, especially to a therapist.
  2. But telling everyone in your inner circle can end up backfiring.
  3. The more people that know about it, the more people are going to have their opinions based off of purely trying to protect you from getting hurt,” McNulty explains.

“This is the therapist’s worst nightmare because coalitions and allegiances amongst friends and family members really make moving forward difficult.” Especially if you two do decide to work through this. “The person who was cheated on may be able to forgive and move on, but the family still holds an intense grudge that usually puts more pressure on an already vulnerable relationship that is trying to rebuild and move on,” says McNulty.

  • Grant found support by creating a blog, The Betrayed Wives Club, to connect with others who were also victims of infidelity — a support system she says played a large part in her healing process.
  • I created my site because I was desperate for a community of women who knew what I was going through and who wouldn’t judge,” she says.

Our culture lacks real understanding around how devastating infidelity is. It can be really painful to share your secret only to have someone respond, as a friend of mine did, ‘Well, I wouldn’t put up with it.'”

Can a man cheat and still love his wife?

Be patient. – Healing takes time. Rebuilding trust and repairing a relationship after infidelity is a long process. Be patient with yourself and your husband. Don’t expect everything to be resolved overnight. Focus on taking things one step at a time and celebrate small victories along the way.

Becoming aware of your husband’s infidelity is a painful experience, but it doesn’t necessarily mean the end of your relationship. A man can cheat and still wholeheartedly love his wife. Infidelity can happen even in happy marriages, and it’s important to understand that it’s not your fault.

  1. There’s no one right answer to how you move forward from betrayal.
  2. You already know the options: You can forgive and work on the relationship or end it.
  3. Sometimes, knowing that he may still love you can help you decide what your next best step forward might be.
  4. Mary Ellen Goggin offers relationship coaching for individuals and collaborates with her partner Dr.

Jerry Duberstein to offer private couples retreats. To learn more about working with Mary Ellen, schedule a ½ hour complimentary consultation,

How a guy acts after he cheated?

Between one in four to five Americans have an affair in their lifetime. Among men, 68% feel guilty after having an affair, Even if they haven’t confessed the affair, most cheating husbands will feel guilty and express that guilt in their behavior. You may notice subtle changes in their behavior that make you wonder if your spouse is displaying cheating husband guilt,

  • Men are more likely to feel guilt over sexual affairs than they are over emotional affairs,
  • This may be because men themselves view sexual fidelity as more important than emotional fidelity.
  • There are a number of signs that your husband may be feeling guilt from cheating or after an extramarital affair, including the following.

Secretive Phone or Computer Use With dating and social media apps now a large part of our lives, many husbands are likely to find their affair partners online, If your husband used to leave his unlocked phone lying around unattended but now guards it closely, it could be a sign of a guilty conscience.

If you used to have your devices synced but he has changed his passwords or deleted his history, that could indicate trouble. Changes in Sex Drive If your husband is becoming more attentive to you sexually, it could be because he is cheating. While it’s normal to think he would be less interested in you sexually, an increased sex drive could be a sign of guilt.

He may be trying to make up for his affair. If he’s suddenly trying new things in the bedroom after years of a stale sex life, he might be bringing home tricks he’s picked up elsewhere. Defensiveness Cheating husbands may be defensive over the smallest things.

They may seem unusually sensitive or touchy about things that seem harmless to you. If you ask an innocent question about what they had for lunch, they may snap at you and accuse you of being controlling or demanding, If you find yourself walking on eggshells around your husband, it could be a sign that he feels guilty and is taking it out on you.

Excessive Justification In trying to cover their infidelities, men sometimes go too far in trying to be convincing. When you casually mention that they’re a little late coming home, they may launch into a 30-minute explanation of where they’ve been. People with nothing to hide don’t feel the need to justify every action.

None of these signs are definitive proof your husband is cheating on you, but they may be reasons for concern. If you suspect your husband may be cheating on you, you need to talk to someone about it. If you feel uncomfortable talking to your husband, discuss it with a close friend or counselor, Even if your husband is cheating, it’s not necessarily the end of your marriage.

In cases where both partners want to work to repair the marriage, therapy can be helpful. Some steps that can help include: Journaling The emotions that go along with infidelity can be intense. Journaling your feelings can help you define and deal with them.

  1. It can also be an outlet for understanding yourself and your needs.
  2. Seek Counseling Individual counseling will help you process and deal with your emotions surrounding the affair, but you may also need couples’ therapy to help you and your husband understand the causes of the affair and how to move forward in your relationship.

While an affair can be devastating, it can be a catalyst to rebuild your marriage stronger than it was before. Understand and Heal the Problems in Your Relationship While the problems in your relationship did not cause the affair, it’s important for both of you to focus on building a better marriage that makes both of you happy.

It’s best if you can keep discussions about your marital issues separate from discussions about the affair. It has to be clear that nothing in the marriage caused the affair. Give Yourself Time Recovering from an affair takes time. You need time to grieve and forgive the betrayal. Learning new communication habits and rebuilding your marriage will take time as well.

Don’t put pressure on yourself to rush the process. Take as long as you need to heal and reconnect with your husband.

What is the best response for cheating?

How to Deal With a Cheater

Let the rage burn out before you talk to your partner. If anger and hurt are overwhelming you, try to get through the worst of it however you need to: cry, hold yourself, or write down everything you want to scream at your partner. Release those emotions first, and you’ll be in a better state to decide whether you want to leave the relationship, and what you want to say to your partner.

  1. You may need proof to get a confession. If you want to bring the affair out into the open where you can address it, try to find undeniable evidence to bring to your partner. It’s best to have evidence that your partner can’t talk their way out of.
    • Good evidence might include suspicious credit card bill items (like unexplained motel stays), unfamiliar items of clothing left in the house, and eyewitness accounts from trusted friends.
    • Suspicious (but not damning) behavior might include unexplained absences, reduced intimacy, or secretive phone use.
    • It’s not always possible to get the perfect proof. In that case, all you can do is ask your partner to explain what’s going on. Maybe you’re wrong, maybe not—but if your partner is committed to your relationship, they need to communicate and respect that you have reasons to be suspicious.
  1. Share your feelings without getting angry. This is an awful moment, but letting your justified anger take control gives your partner an excuse to storm out and delay a real resolution. Tell your partner about the betrayal, hurt, and fear you feel as calmly as you can manage. Sharing your feelings will help you process better than getting caught up in your anger.
    • For example, say “I’m feeling really hurt. I found a receipt for a motel, and I’d like an explanation.”
    • It’s normal to feel panicked and upset, especially if you’ve just found out.
    • You likely won’t reach a resolution by the end of the conversation. Just let them know how you’re feeling, and see what they have to say in response.
  1. Exposing an unfaithful partner can trigger a lot of nonsense. The excuses aren’t cute and they don’t help you find a path forward. They also aren’t original, so you can decide what to say in advance:
    • “I didn’t mean to hurt you.” → “I don’t care if you didn’t mean to hurt me. You knew that I would be heartbroken if you cheated, and you did anyway.”
    • “I’ve been unhappy in our relationship.” → “I haven’t always been satisfied in the relationship, but I still didn’t cheat on you. Take responsibility for your own actions.”
    • “But I love you.” → “I deserve love that is based on respect and empathy. That’s not the kind of love you’ve been showing.”
    • “I can’t be with just one person.” → “Then you needed to bring that up before agreeing to the rules of this relationship.” (Or, if you are polyamorous: “There are still boundaries to our relationship that you decided to break.”)
  1. If they refuse to have a real conversation, they may be manipulating you. If your partner really isn’t cheating, they should be focused on giving reasonable explanations for their behavior. But what if they continuously deny your claims, question that your evidence is real, and downplay your concerns? This may be gaslighting, a form of manipulation that makes you doubt your own instincts and logic. If your partner tries to invalidate your point of view, stand your ground.
    • For instance, if your partner calls you ridiculous for accusing them of cheating, you can say: “I don’t see things that way,” or “I disagree with you.” Don’t get sidetracked into defending your character.
    • Repeated gaslighting can really mess with your head. If you’re confused and second-guessing yourself, tell a trusted friend about the evidence you found and how your partner explained it away. Ask them what they think about the situation.
  1. Threats are rarely helpful, especially if you walk them back. It’s easy to make big claims in the heat of a moment, and a lot harder to follow through. You might be riding an emotional rollercoaster for a while, and it’s okay not to know exactly what to do until you’ve had some time. Only lay down an ultimatum if you are sure you can follow through with it.
    • For instance, if you say something like: “If you cheat again, I’m moving out,” don’t stay put when they break their promise.
  1. Salvaging broken trust takes time and commitment. You can choose to stay in the relationship, but you’ll only succeed if you can eventually reach the point of forgiveness and trust. Ask yourself these questions and really think them through before you decide to re-commit to your partner. You don’t need to have all the answers now.
    • Could you ever forgive your partner?
    • Will you ever trust your partner again?
    • Have you stopped blaming yourself for their infidelity?
    • Most importantly, is your partner doing actual, concrete things to improve the situation, like attending therapy?
  1. Go easy on yourself as you work through your grief. Cheating is a huge breach of trust, and isn’t something you can recover from overnight. Try to accept that, whether you’re trying to repair a relationship or grieve for a broken one, the tough times could last a while. Be kind to yourself, and be prepared for the hurt and grief to return in waves even after you think you’re recovered.
    • If you have children together, or there are other factors that make separation complicated, don’t jump into any major decisions. It is reasonable to take six months to decide how to move forward.
    • Don’t place any blame on yourself. It’s easy to fall into a line of thinking that you somehow weren’t good enough for your partner, or that you did something wrong that inspired them to cheat. Try to eliminate these thoughts from your mind—your partner’s decision to cheat was theirs and theirs alone, and reflects nothing on you.
  1. Leaning on your friends and family can help you heal. Spend time with loved ones that will listen to your feelings and comfort you through this rough time. Share your feelings with them, and ask for any kind of help you need on bad days. Whether or not you decide to stay in your relationship, it isn’t a source of comfort right now—so find a different one.
    • It is easy to fall into hopelessness and stop eating regular meals or cleaning. Friends can relieve some of the burden of housework and encourage you toward nourishing and relaxing activities instead of sitting on the couch all day.
    • Talk to a therapist or join a support group if you need a listening ear.
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Distracting yourselves with passion won’t fix broken trust. Rose petals and honeymoon levels of sex are only positive gestures after you’re through the hard work of repairing your relationship. Your partner actively hurt you and violated your trust, and playing around in bed is only a way to sweep that fact under the rug.

  1. You can’t repair trust unless your partner takes an active role. Your partner won’t just need to be honest, but must actively volunteer to tell you everything they do going forward, until you fully trust them again. This is difficult and sometimes unpleasant, but that makes it a good way to demonstrate active commitment and earn back trust. Help your partner understand what this means and what behaviors will undermine the relationship:
    • This is about action, not inner thoughts. Your partner doesn’t need to tell you that they thought about calling “that person,” as long as they don’t act on the impulse.
    • Your partner should share any remotely problematic behavior in full and without being asked. It’s not your job to quiz them all the time. (They don’t get to say “I have something to tell you.” and then wait for questions.)
    • Your partner can’t control your reactions. They can’t get defensive or demand forgiveness just because they were honest. If you react with pain and hurt, your partner needs to accept this and not try to minimize it.
    • When you feel anxious or suspicious, tell your partner. Give them the chance to validate and support you.
  1. Repairing a relationship is easier with professional help. Being cheated on can cause some serious, PTSD-like symptoms in some people. If you want to recover from that, especially while staying with the person who caused them, professional help can make a big difference. Sometimes a couple comes to see the infidelity as a “wake up call” that forces them to face other problems and reach a healthy place, but getting there is a rocky road better traveled with a professional guide.
    • It is very common for the details of the cheating to come out in stages—how long it went on, how your partner sought it out, and so on. A good couples therapist can direct the two of you through this painful process and help it lead to more productive conversations, while stopping it from escalating into shouting.
  1. You may have to leave without the answers you want. You deserve better than what you got, and sometimes all you can do is move on. These are all good reasons to put an end to the romance and move on:
    • Your partner won’t take responsibility for the cheating.
    • Your partner doesn’t show remorse for their actions (even if they’re sorry they hurt you).
    • Your partner doesn’t recognize your need to heal.
    • Your partner is putting all the burden of fixing the relationship onto you instead of actively building trust and addressing issues.
    • Your partner continues to cheat or hide information from you.
    • It just doesn’t feel right to stay. Ultimately, you have a good reason to feel hurt, and you may not be able to get past that. You don’t owe your partner any more reason than that.

Make a new routine with time for new interests. A breakup can throw your whole day-to-day schedule out of whack, especially if you lived together. Making a new routine helps provide some comfort and certainty again. The basics like meal times and sleep schedule are important for this, but so is finding time for you, Part of this can be taking the opportunity to explore new interests, or to try out that old dream that seemed impractical when your life was more stable. Try exploring new hobbies or meeting new people outside your old circles.

Get yourself and your partner tested for STIs. Regardless of your partner’s story, if you’ve had unprotected sex with your partner, schedule an appointment with your doctor or local health clinic so you can be tested for STIs. Don’t have unprotected sex with your partner again until they have shown you an STI test, as well as regained your trust.

  1. Know your options if you’re married or in a civil partnership. Even if you’ve already decided to stay, or have no idea what you’re going to do, always know your rights and, You can’t predict exactly how this could play out.
    • In “no-fault divorces,” adultery doesn’t typically affect the proceedings at all. Some states and countries still allow “fault divorces;” if you choose this option, you can use the adultery as justification, and it might affect property division or,
    • If you have kids, adultery generally won’t affect custody judgments, which are based on the best interests of the kids, not the parents’ desires.
    • For information specific to your area and situation, contact a divorce attorney.
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Question What do you say to a cheating husband? Couples Therapist Michelle Joy is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and serves on the Board of Directors for the Couples Institute Counseling Services in the San Francisco Bay Area. With almost 20 years of therapy training and experience, Michelle offers couples therapy intensives, communication workshops, and Marriage Prep101 Workshops. Michelle is also a certified Enneagram teacher, has presented at the 25th annual International Enneagram Conference, and is a graduate of The Developmental Model of Couples Therapy – Advanced Level. She received an MS in Counseling Psychology from Santa Clara University. Start by explaining how the affair made you feel, whether that’s anger, fear, hurt, or betrayal. Sharing these feelings will help you both move forward and heal. Being vulnerable will also give your husband a chance to prove he wants to support you and do better in the future.

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This article was co-authored by Michelle Joy, MA, MFT. Michelle Joy is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and serves on the Board of Directors for the Couples Institute Counseling Services in the San Francisco Bay Area. With almost 20 years of therapy training and experience, Michelle offers couples therapy intensives, communication workshops, and Marriage Prep101 Workshops.

  • Co-authors: 41
  • Updated: August 25, 2021
  • Views: 493,191

Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 493,191 times.

“Steps and tips really helped me. Now I’m recovering from stress.”

: How to Deal With a Cheater

Is it good to confront a cheating husband?

Make a plan for when the conversation is over. – How will you move forward? Warner Bros. Television Distribution It’s unlikely that you’ll completely resolve the situation with an hour or two of chatting. When one or both of you reach a point where you feel that the conversation can’t continue constructively, figure out your next steps together.

In some cases, the next step will be to set a time and place for a follow-up talk and figure out what kind of space you both need in the meantime. In other cases, you may wish for the relationship to be put on ice while you process your emotions. No matter what the outcome, having a discussion about your partner’s infidelity is a crucial step towards healing the relationship or ending it with a sense of closure.

“People cheat for different reasons. They may love their partners at the time. Sex addiction, personal insecurity, and payback are just some of the reasons both men and women have extramarital affairs. None of them are good, but understanding why can help,” psychotherapist Barton Goldsmith told Psychology Today,

Confronting your partner when they cheat is a tremendously difficult undertaking, but it is a necessary one if you want to restore honesty and transparency to the relationship. For more great stories, head to INSIDER’s homepage, Read next Loading Something is loading. Thanks for signing up! Access your favorite topics in a personalized feed while you’re on the go.

Features Cheat Cheating More.

What causes a man to cheat?

Why do people cheat? A wide variety of factors can bring out some type of affair, A study of 495 people revealed eight key reasons: anger, low self-esteem, lack of love, low commitment, need for variety, neglect, sexual desire, and circumstance. It’s important to understand that these reasons arise within the cheater and are not the responsibility of the betrayed partner.

  1. Upwards of 40% of married couples are affected by infidelity,
  2. Frustration in the marriage is one common trigger; the cheater may make several attempts to solve problems to no avail.
  3. Maybe they had second thoughts about getting married or they were jealous over the attention given to a new baby and neither partner had the skill set to communicate these feelings.

Perhaps the straying spouse has childhood baggage — neglect, abuse, or a parent who cheated — that interferes with their ability to maintain a committed relationship. Less often, the cheater doesn’t value monogamy, lacks empathy, or simply doesn’t care about the consequences.

We will take a look at a number of risk factors and causes for cheating, but it’s important to point out upfront that a partner doesn’t cause their spouse to cheat. Whether it was a cry for help, an exit strategy, or a means to get revenge after being cheated on themselves, the cheater alone is responsible for cheating.

Verywell / Jessica Olah

What cheating does to a woman?

What does research say about how cheating affects a man? – No matter who you are, you can still be impacted by infidelity. One study that looked at gender differences in response to infidelity found that women tend to be more distressed by emotional affairs, and men tend to become more distressed over physical affairs.

  1. This difference in response to emotional versus sexual infidelity is reinforced by an extensive study on infidelity with approximately 64,000 participants, which had similar findings.
  2. This study also examined the impact that cheating has on gay, lesbian, and bisexual people.
  3. There was no significant gender difference in degrees of upset over infidelity among LGB+ folks.

Infidelity can have lasting impacts on partners and children the couple may have. Grief, brain changes, behaviors down the road, and mental health conditions such as anxiety, chronic stress, and depression can result. Some families have been able to move past infidelity with time and therapy,

How common is cheating in marriage?

When you put the data together, about 15-20% of married couples cheat. The rate of cheating increases with age for both married men and married women. In a study titled America’s Generation Gap in Extramarital Affairs, 20% of older couples noted that they had cheated during their marriage.

Can you trust a man after he cheated?

The truth is you can rebuild trust after cheating in a relationship. While not easy to do, regaining your partner to trust in relationship after infidelity is possible, This rebuilding will require serious effort from both partners and a dedicated effort from the cheater to seek to fix things, but it isn’t impossible.

Can a relationship go back to normal after cheating?

Together, start over again. – Finally, the couple has to essentially and learn, “The couple needs to let go of the parts of their which were not working, and then move towards creating a new dynamic in the relationship,” Klow says. “Couples can emerge from an affair with a better sense of who they each are and what they want from their relationship.” Amatenstein agrees.

“It’s not going to be the same, but that doesn’t mean that it can’t be strong in some ways stronger than it was originally,” she tells SELF. “But you can forge something through it.” Experts say it’s possible for couples to go on to have a happy relationship after infidelity, provided they’re willing to put in the work.

“The couple can survive and grow after an affair,” says Coleman. “They have to—otherwise the relationship will never be gratifying.” But couples who do decide to separate after an affair can still benefit from therapy, especially if they have children.

Should you contact the person your spouse is cheating with?

Should you tell someone their spouse is cheating? –

Whether or not you reveal to someone that their spouse is cheating depends upon the situation. If this is someone that you know well, and you are confident that they’d want to know the truth, you should probably come forward and be honest. If on the other hand, you do not have all the facts about the situation, or you don’t know the person very well, it may be best to keep quiet.

Should you be with someone who cheated on you?

portrait of unhappy young heterosexual couple in bedroom (iStock) Trust is one of the main tenets of a strong partnership. When cheating happens, that value is shattered — and for many couples, saving a marriage can seem difficult, if not impossible. But according a March 2014 study published in the journal Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice, many married couples who face infidelity do bounce back and make the active choice to stay together.

  • And it’s not just for financial reasons or parental responsibilities.
  • Infidelity does not have to be the end of the relationship, Dr.
  • Tammy Nelson, a couples therapist and author of “The New Monogamy: Redefining Your Relationship After Infidelity,” told Fox News.
  • Sometimes, an affair is a result of an opportunity that comes at a moment of resentment, of instability in the marriage, or at a time when the cheating partner is feeling like they need an ego boost,” Nelson said.

“However, afterwards, the cheater realizes they feel worse because they have violated their own implicit vow to be faithful, and the guilt usually forces them to confess.” THE 4 TYPES OF CHEATERS — AND HOW TO SPOT THEM Experts like Nelson agree the only reason to stay with a cheating spouse is if he or she is deeply and genuinely sorry for the betrayal and willing to work for your forgiveness.

  • This means they show they understand the pain you went through after learning about the affair, Dr.
  • Sheri Meyers, a marriage and family therapist and author of “Chatting or Cheating: How to Detect Infidelity, Rebuild Love and Affair-Proof Your Relationship,” told Fox News.
  • They can’t just put what they did away in the vault, talk about it once, and move on,” Meyers said.
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“They must take responsibility for their actions and prove their commitment to the relationship every day.” 6 MYTHS ABOUT DATING OVER AGE 50, DEBUNKED Blaming outside factors, including you, does not count as taking responsibility. “If they blame their partner or lack insight into their actions, chances are, they’ll do it again,” Meyers said.

Why stay with a cheating spouse? Dr. Paul Hokemeyer, a licensed marriage and couples therapist, told Fox News that couples who stay together after infidelity have compelling reasons to do so. “They are invested in the relationship and don’t want to throw away a history of success,” Hokemeyer said. “The cheating event is either a one off occurrence or based on an implied understanding between partners.” In other words, you were both taking a break and agreed to date others at that time.9 SIGNS SHE MAY BE CHEATING ON YOU When a cheating spouse admits to being unfaithful, realizes the pain they’ve caused you, and is willing to prove their commitment to the relationship every day, it is possible for a couple to heal and move past infidelity.

The relationship will, no doubt, feel different. It can find a new equilibrium, but it will never go back to the way it was before the cheating occurred. “This is because our brain is wired to retain strong emotional experiences,” Hokemeyer said. “The partners have to find a new normal.

Why do cheaters get angry when caught?

Anger or Aggression – Anger and aggression are two other common initial reactions to accusations of cheating. Cheaters often use anger as a form of deflection to turn the situation around and make accusations against you instead, like that you don’t trust them enough.

How do you know if he really regrets cheating?

Signs Your Partner Is Truly Remorseful – Look for these telltale signs to determine true remorse:

Not only do they apologize, and often, but they also openly express what they’re apologizing for. They don’t make vague statements or blanket apologies.They show their remorse by doing things that they feel will lessen your pain. It’s about both words and actions.They hold themselves accountable, rather than relying on you to do so. They are more concerned with your feelings than their own. They are willing to do whatever they need to do to move forward. Whether that’s seeking couple’s therapy or honestly answering any questions you might have for them. They are onboard with any action you need them to take. They take full responsibility for their actions. There may have been problems in the relationship, but even if your S.O. felt unloved and unwanted, they’re the ones who chose to cheat. Despite this, you’ll know they’re remorseful if they don’t make excuses or place blame on anyone except for themselves. Their cheating won’t be about something you did, it will be about a bad choice they made.

Do men regret cheating?

Over time, every self-help author learns that that the majority of his or her books will be purchased by women. So when I wrote my recently published tome on infidelity, Out of the Doghouse: A Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, I was pretty certain that my primary readership would be cheated on women rather than their cheating male partners.

In fact, while I was out doing promotion I suggested that if men did read the book, it would most likely be the result of their traumatized wife or girlfriend giving it to them, or more likely throwing at them, with a statement like, “Read this or else!” And based on stories I’m hearing from colleagues, this has at least occasionally happened.

Contrary to expectations, however, a lot of men have picked the book up on their own, with no prompting, because they know they’ve cheated and they feel awful about it (even when their significant other is unaware of what they’ve done). Moreover, many of these men have gone to my website and contacted me, sharing their stories and their feelings.

  1. And the almost universal theme of these missives is guilt, remorse, and shame.
  2. So it seems that some men do have a heart, and they regret it when they betray the women they love.
  3. Below are excerpts from a few of these emails * Hey Robert.
  4. I cheated on my first wife about fifteen years ago and I felt horrible about it.

But I never let myself feel that. Instead, I decided to blame her for my actions. I convinced myself that my cheating was all her fault because we had started to grow apart, so I deserved to get some on the side. I didn’t even feel a lot of sadness when she divorced me, because we got married too young and we weren’t a great match.

  1. A couple of years later I got married again, this time to the right woman, and I promised her that I’d always be faithful.
  2. Well, a couple of years into the marriage I had another affair, which I broke off before she found out, but I’ve cheated off and on ever since.
  3. A few months ago she caught me, and now she’s filing for divorce.

I wish I had never cheated on either of my wives. I’m glad that I’m not with my first wife, but I should have just told her I was unhappy instead of cheating, and I really don’t want to lose my current wife. Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem to matter how many times I say I’m sorry and promise to not do it again, she refuses to forgive me.

  • A few days ago I bought your book and I’m doing the things you suggest, and I hope I can eventually regain her trust.
  • But right now it seems like she’s intent on leaving me.
  • I’m completely heartbroken. * Wow.
  • I’ve been married for almost thirty years, and I’ve had a couple of affairs that my wife never knew about.

And she still doesn’t know. I only read your book because my sister knows I’m in a pretty torrid affair right now, and she doesn’t approve, and I know on some level that she’s right. So I started reading, I really don’t totally know why, and once I got started I couldn’t stop.

  1. It’s like you got in my head and dug out all the BS I’ve been telling myself to justify my cheating.
  2. I never let myself feel bad about what I was doing before, but now I feel like a total scumbag because I understand that I was lying to myself as well as my wife, and undercutting the bond that we have.

What the heck have I been doing all these years? Right now, I’m trying to break off the affair I’m in, but it’s hard because I definitely have strong feelings for this woman. At the same time, I know that my marriage is more important because we have a family.

Eventually, I know that I’m going to have to tell my wife what I did. I don’t want to do that, but I think I have to. I don’t want to hurt her, but I know that she deserves the truth. Plus, I now realize how much I hate living a lie. * Mr. Weiss, I am writing to let you know that I never understood why my girlfriend was so pissed off about me using porn.

I didn’t think it was cheating. She did. She said she felt like I thought porn was more important than she was. I told her she was crazy, that every guy looks at porn and it’s no different than playing a video game or grabbing a beer with my buds. But she didn’t understand how I looked at it, and that led to a lot of relationship problems.

  1. Finally I saw one of your blogs on porn and read your book.
  2. Since then we’ve had some really great conversations about what is and isn’t OK in our relationship.
  3. Porn is out by the way.) If I want to stay with her, and I do, I’m going to have to stick with our new boundaries.
  4. And you know what, I’m actually not pissed off about this.

I realize now that I love her more than I ever knew and making her happy is more important to me than a little in the moment pleasure. I probably should have figured all of this out on my own, or learned it when I was younger, but I didn’t. I’m glad I’m finally starting to listen to the woman who means so much to me instead of always putting what I want first.

* Amazingly, these are just a few of the responses I’ve gotten from men who regret their cheating, wish they hadn’t done it, and often don’t even know why they did it. As a therapist, it’s comforting to know that so many men do feel badly about infidelity, and that they want to make things right if they can.

Their regret doesn’t make their actions OK, of course, but it does provide hope for the long-term success of their relationships. Robert Weiss LCSW, CSAT-S is a digital-age intimacy and relationships expert specializing in infidelity and addictions – in particular sex, porn, and love addiction.