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Why silence is powerful in a relationship?

UTILIZING HEALTHY SILENCE – Silence can be positive or negative in our communications. When we experience it negatively, it can take on the form of the silent treatment, which most of us have both received and delivered at some point in our lives. Additionally, responding with silence when someone needs verbal validation or encouragement can be devastating to a relationship.

Positive silence is necessary for strong relationships to last. Healthy silence can show a level of vulnerability and comfort within a relationship. At other times, one or both individuals may need a break from verbal communication, just being content in each other’s space. Healthy silence can also be utilized when a person is angry and escalating.

Simply being quiet and not escalating with the speaker can extinguish a damaging situation before it begins.

Does silence destroy a relationship?

The Surprising Truth About The Silent Treatment The silent treatment is a way to inflict pain without visible bruising – literally. Research has shown that the act of ignoring or excluding activates the same area of the brain that is activated by physical pain. The best predictor of divorce isn’t whether a couple fights – arguments are inevitable – but how a couple fights.

• The silent treatment can tend to present itself as a response more fitting of the ‘high road’, one of grace and dignity, but research has shown it is anything but.
• , a Professor of Psychology at Purdue University who has studied ostracism for twenty years, explains, ‘Excluding and ignoring people, such as giving them the cold shoulder or silent treatment, are used to punish or manipulate, and people may not realise the emotional or physical harm that is being done.’
• The ability to detect ostracism is hardwired in us – it doesn’t matter if you’re being ignored by a group or a person you can’t stand, the pain still registers.

The silent treatment, even if it’s brief, activates the anterior cingulate cortex – the part of the brain that detects physical pain. The initial pain is the same, regardless of whether the exclusion is by strangers, close friends or enemies. The silent treatment happens when one partner pressures the other with requests, criticism or complaints and the other responds with silence and emotional distance.

, PhD, Professor of Communication Studies reviewed 74 relationship studies which involved more than 14,000 participants. Findings from his revealed that the silent treatment is ‘tremendously’ damaging to a relationship. It decreases relationship satisfaction for both partners, diminishes feelings of intimacy, and reduces the capacity to communicate in a way that’s healthy and meaningful.

‘It’s the most common pattern of conflict in marriage or any committed, established romantic relationship,’ says Schrodt. ‘And it does tremendous damage.’ It’s an incredibly hard pattern to break because both partners lay the blame at the feet of the other.

‘Partners get locked in this pattern, largely because they each see the other as the cause,’ explains Schrodt. ‘Both partners see the other as the problem.’ One partner will typically complain that the other is emotionally unavailable. The other will accuse his or her partner of being too demanding or critical.

When couples become locked in this ‘demand-withdraw’ pattern, the damage can be both emotional and physiological include anxiety and aggression as well as erectile dysfunction and urinary and bowel problems. It doesn’t matter which partner demands or which one withdraws, the damage to the relationship is the same.

• It’s the pattern itself that’s the problem, not the specific partner.
• The silent treatment should not be confused with taking time to cool down after heated or difficult exchange.
• Williams suggests that instead of reverting to the silent treatment, try ‘I can’t talk to you right now, but we can talk about it later.’ Nobody engages the silent treatment expecting it to damage the relationship, and that’s the danger.

Generally, it’s called on as the weapon of choice because it’s powerful and it’s easy to get away with. There is nothing subtle about a physical or verbal lashing, but an accusation of the silent treatment, ‘Are you ignoring me?’ can easily be denied.

1. Being noticed is so close to being loved, that sometimes they feel the same.
2. Being ignored is just as powerful.

: The Surprising Truth About The Silent Treatment

When a man goes silent?

3. It’s an unwinnable competition – Many guys hate failing and feeling inadequate. They often don’t have the speed of words to compete with their partner in a conflict. Men’s emotional processing capacity is often much slower than their partner. Whilst being silent is a sign of a man’s need to process it is also a way to avoid the feelings of defeat.

What is the most painful love?

When you love someone but they don’t reciprocate your feelings back, that unmatched feeling can be incredibly heartbreaking. When you give your entire heart out to someone, but they just don’t feel the same, your dreams and hopes can be shattered into a million pieces making way for ‘ unrequited love ‘ to be etched onto your heart forever.

1. Is unrequited love what you think it to be? Yes.
2. Unrequited love is a type of romantic love where one person has deep feelings for another person who does not reciprocate those feelings.
3. In simple and honest words, it is a one-sided love affair.
4. You may experience a strong desire to be with the other person, but the person you want to be with doesn’t feel the same.

One can’t force a person to love and so, the one who unconditionally loves someone, can’t force the latter to love them back. And hence, the experience of unrequited love can be very painful. When someone is in love with another person, they often have a powerful emotional connection.

1. They invest a lot of time and energy into the relationship.
2. And when these aspects, (which may seem tiny but isn’t at all) aren’t returned, it can leave the person feeling rejected, hurt, and unimportant.
3. And feeling rejected and unimportant can be possibly one of the most heart-rending feelings ever.

Another reason why unrequited love is so painful is that it can trigger feelings of low self-worth. When someone loves another person who does not feel the same way, it can make them question their own value and worth as a person. They may wonder why they are not good enough or why the other person does not see them in the same way.

The person can spiral down into an abyss of self-neglect, hatred and even depression. Love is a powerful feeling that can either enrich a person with all kinds of happiness or completely make them crumble into painful little pieces. Unrequited love can also create a sense of loss and grief. When someone invests time and energy into a relationship, it becomes a part of their identity.

When that relationship is not reciprocated, it can feel like a loss of that part of their identity, which can be incredibly difficult to come to terms with. In addition to these emotional challenges, unrequited love can also create physical problems. You may experience deep stress and anxiety of not knowing whether or not the other person likes you back.

You may also be anxious and extremely sad knowing that the person doesn’t love you back. This can cause loss of appetite, sleep disturbances and believe it or not, even a slight pang of pain in the chest. Coping with unrequited love is very difficult. Everyone faces rejection at some point in life. Moving on is not an immediate option for many as people tend to dwell on the sadness for a long time until they are emotionally and mentally ready to love someone else again.

Those who are wondering, is it possible to move on from unrequited love—yes, it is. You can take your time, whether it is days, weeks, months or even years to move on from the person and finally be happy with yourself. When you start loving yourself, the hole left in your heart will finally be filled.

Why silence is the biggest revenge?

Silence speaks volumes – The best revenge is no reaction. Believe it, the silence and zero reaction really bothers your ex, and they consider it as the best served revenge. Nothing creates more curiosity than silence. Your ex would expect a vent or an angry rant from you, but don’t give in. If you do, you are meeting their expectations. Try seeking sadistic pleasure by using silence as a weapon.

When silence is better than words?

6 Reasons Silence Speaks Louder Than Words It’s kind of Zen-like to say this, but one of the most important parts of any conversation is the silence. Silence can serve many functions in a conversation and how you manage it determines your level of sophistication in communication.

1. Here are some points to keep in mind about silence in communication.1.
2. Allowing silence in a conversation puts pressure on the other person.
3. Why? Because it’s conventional in US society not to allow any sort of extended silence in a conversation.
4. It is common in some cultures to do this, but not in the US, and this use of silence is one of the things that can cause multicultural strain.

For instance, in some cultures, if you are a young person and want to talk with a person to talk with a person of authority, you are expected to approach them and wait to be recognized. You aren’t supposed to speak until you are acknowledged. This sort of silence is a sign of respect.

It’s akin to, “Children should be seen and not heard,” if you remember that phrase from long ago. However, in conversation between two peers and equals, it’s expected both parties will contribute to the conversation, and there will no glaring silences. If there are any, it causes discomfort — in some cases, even physiological pain.

This is one tool that some therapists use. Allowing silence to exist between the therapist and the client, put pressures on the client to say something. This is also a tool investigators use. When you’re subjected to this sort of silence, it feels like pressure, and you’re likely to blurt something out! And it can often be the one thing you don’t want to say.

• Therefore some people in power use this ploy, such as an interviewer.
• An experienced interviewer may let a silence hang, just to see how the person being interviewed conducts him or herself.2.
• Silence can indicate hostility or disagreement.
• While it’s almost never an indication of indifference, silence can indicate that the other person is having negative emotions.

When we experience anger, fear, or embarrassment, our thinking brain shuts down. We sit there fuming, unable to speak. Enraged and unable to find words. Afraid and scared speechless. Some people are completely “flooded” by such emotions. Think of a teenager, for instance.

They are prone to withdraw into sullen silence rather than using constructive discontent techniques, talking it out, and keeping the connection going.3. Silence can indicate profoundness, such as respect, awe or horror. Sometimes when we’re listening to someone else, we hear something that leaves us speechless because it really goes beyond words.

Listening to someone talk about a dreadful trauma they’ve endured, or a beautiful, almost-sacred interaction with another human being, or a description of an awesome natural event such as a sunset or a volcano eruption are examples. Somehow when we listen to such things, the ordinary “Oh” and “Wow” and “That’s awesome” don’t seem enough, and so we fall silent.4.

Silence can indicate contemplation. The more introverted your communication partner, the more likely they will think before they speak. Extraverts discover what they’re thinking and how they feel by talking. Introverts figure it all out inside their own head and heart before giving voice to it.5. Silence can be intentional rudeness.

Because of the nature of normal conversation in the US, allowing an extended silence can be perceived as rudeness, and even meant that way. Refusing to reply to the other person is a way of ignoring them.6. Silence can create a listening space. When you are profoundly listening to someone, you create an open space for them to talk that’s almost palpable.

Good listeners know how to do this, and it can be learned. It’s an openness that you transmit through nonverbal means. Study emotional intelligence and nonverbal communication, and you’ll pick up on these cues better. For instance, if you really are giving your undivided attention to someone else, your pupils will widen.

This is a sign that you’re willing to “let it all come in,” in the same way that opened pupils allow more light to come in. Our pupils expand when we see something we like, and contract when we want to shut something out – thus the “slanted pig eyes” of someone who’s furious.

• If you’re not mindful of this, it’s completely automatic (unconscious) and so reveals a lot to the other person who is savvy about it.
• However, with practice you can bring it more under mindful control.
• You can learn to give this sort of eye contact to someone intentionally.
• It’s part of knowing EQ and being mindful.

And what a gift! It says, “Open up. I’m here. I’m listening. I want to hear what you have to say, and to understand.” 7. Silence can indicate empathy. Silence can be an indication of empathy. When we are really tuning in to how the other person is feeling about what they’re saying, we’re listening more to the tone of their voice, cadence and speed rather than the actual words, and so replying with words may not be the attuned response.

We indicate this to the other by being slow to respond and not jumping in to words. Sometimes sounds are more attuned a murmur, a sigh, sucking in the breath in shock, soothing, cooing sounds, clucking, or shaking the head and going uh, uh, uh. Similarly, we use the sound “hmmm” when we are deep in thought contemplating what the other has said.

Excellent communicators:

Can allow silence when it’s effective or called for Avoid being pressured into “spilling” when silence is used manipulatively Offer silence as a gift or sign of respect Interpret the silence of others appropriately Understand the way other people and other cultures use silence Mindfully regulate the use of silence in a conversation Are comfortable with silence and understand its many uses.

The take-home point If you want to become an excellent and effective communicator, study the uses of silence. When we choose to allow silence, and what we do when it’s presented to us, tests our communication abilities. : 6 Reasons Silence Speaks Louder Than Words

Is silence the best response?

When Silence Is the Best Response – Sometimes, not saying anything is the best answer. You see, silence can never be misquoted. ~Unknown So many people are uncomfortable with silence. It feels awkward, and in our argumentative, combative world, the concept of answering with silence is practically unheard of.

Talking with a friend who is grieving, going through a divorce, or dealing with sickness. These are the friends who need to be heard. They don’t need to hear, “I understand,” or worst of all, “I know exactly how you feel.” Because even if you have gone through loss, divorce, or sickness – every situation is unique. These are the conversations where quiet, empathetic listening is the best conversation you can offer. When a conversation about a problem makes you move into “fix it” mode. Not every problem that’s discussed is looking for a solution. Sometimes, a friend just needs to state the problem, then figure it out for themselves. It’s not up to us to find solutions for every problem that crosses our path. When you wonder if a joke or statement would be considered offensive. If you’re uncertain, it doesn’t need to be said. Just be quiet. When you aren’t sure what you’re talking about,It’s hard to fake expertise when it’s a subject you’re not familiar with and a quick scan of Wikipedia or watching a handful of YouTube videos doesn’t qualify someone as an expert. If you’re not sure what you’re talking about, silence is your friend. When you ask someone a question. Then give them the courtesy of silently waiting for them to finish their response, without interrupting, or interjecting additional thoughts or statements. When a social media post goes up that you disagree with. There’s this amazing thing we can do on our computers and smartphones — we can keep scrolling. It’s really not necessary to participate in online disagreements. In almost every situation, silence is your better response. When you’re angry. Ah, words spoken in anger. They feel good at the moment, but most often they leave a bitter aftertaste of regret. Take a few moments, a couple of hours, even a day or two before responding. And maybe, even after cooling down, you’ll still find silence to be the better option.

We’re not obligated to participate in every argument we’re invited to, or have answers for word that comes our way. Silence is golden. And as previously mentioned, though some may view it as weakness, the self-restraint involved in staying silent is actually indicative of great strength. So next time you’re in a position to speak up, ask yourself if it’s better to stay silent. _ “Silence at the proper season is wisdom, and better than any speech.” – Plutarch “Silence is one of the hardest arguments to refute.” – Josh Billings “He who does not understand your silence will probably not understand your words.” – Elbert Hubbard “Work hard in silence, let your success make the noise.” – Frank Ocean Post Views: 3,963

Does silence hurt people?

Social ostracism has been a common punishment for millennia. But freezing someone out harms both the victim and the perpetrator. Getty / Adam Maida / The Atlantic Kipling Williams has studied the effects of the silent treatment for more than 36 years, meeting hundreds of victims and perpetrators in the process: A grown woman whose father refused to speak with her for six months at a time as punishment throughout her life.

Her father died during one of those dreaded periods,” Williams told me. “When she visited him at the hospital shortly before his death, he turned away from her and wouldn’t break his silence even to say goodbye.” A father who stopped talking to his teenage son and couldn’t start again, despite the harm he knew he was causing.

“The isolation made my son change from a happy, vibrant boy to a spineless jellyfish, and I knew I was the cause,” the father said to Williams. A wife whose husband severed communication with her early in their marriage. “She endured four decades of silence that started with a minor disagreement and only ended when her husband died,” Williams said.

1. Forty years of eating meals by herself, watching television by herself—40 years of being invisible.
2. When I asked her why she stayed with him for all that time,” Williams said, “she answered simply, ‘Because at least he kept a roof over my head.'” A teacher.
3. A sibling.
4. A grandparent. A friend.
5. Each story that Williams, a psychology professor at Purdue University, told me was more heartbreaking than the one before.

As I listened, the question that lingered most was How could these people do this to those closest to them? The silent treatment goes by many names: shunning, social isolation, stonewalling, ghosting. Although psychologists have nuanced definitions for each term, they are all essentially forms of ostracism.

1. And the tactic is nothing new.
2. Ancient Greeks expelled for 10 years citizens who were thought to be a threat to democracy, and early American settlers banished people accused of practicing witchcraft.
3. Religions have frozen out individuals for centuries: Catholics call it excommunication, herem is the highest form of punishment in Judaism, and the Amish practice Meidung,

The Church of Scientology recommends total ” disconnection ” from anyone deemed antagonistic toward the religion. “My research suggests that two in three individuals have used the silent treatment against someone else; even more have had it done to them,” Williams said.

• Experts told me that although they need more data to know for certain, instances of the silent treatment have likely increased over the years as new forms of communication have been invented,
• Every new method of connection can be used as a form of disconnection,” Williams said.
• Ostracism can also manifest in lesser ways: someone walking out of the room in the middle of a conversation, a friend at school looking the other way when you wave at them, or a person addressing comments from everyone in a message thread except you.

“Partial ostracism,” Williams told me, might mean monosyllabic replies—a terse period at the end of a one-word text message. But in serious cases, ostracism can take a heavy toll whereby victims become anxious, withdrawn, depressed, or even suicidal. “Because we humans require social contact for our mental health, the ramifications of isolation can be severe,” Joel Cooper, a psychology professor at Princeton, told me.

In the short term, the silent treatment causes stress. In the long term, the stress can be considered abuse.” Read: The particular cruelty of domestic violence Although a perpetrator might use the silent treatment in many different scenarios, this is what every scenario has in common: “People use the silent treatment because they can get away with it without looking abusive to others,” Williams explained, “and because it’s highly effective in making the targeted individual feel bad.” The silent treatment is a particularly insidious form of abuse because it might force the victim to reconcile with the perpetrator in an effort to end the behavior, even if the victim doesn’t know why they’re apologizing.

“It’s especially controlling because it deprives both sides from weighing in,” Williams said. “One person does it to the other person, and that person can’t do anything about it.” The silent treatment might be employed by passive personality types to avoid conflict and confrontation, while strong personality types use it to punish or control.

1. Some people may not even consciously choose it at all.
2. A person may be flooded with feelings they can’t put into words, so they just shut down,” Anne Fishel, the director of the Family and Couples Therapy Program at Massachusetts General Hospital, told me.
3. But regardless of the reason for the silent treatment, it can be received by victims as ostracism.

One study found that social rejection provoked a response in its victims similar to that of victims of physical abuse; the anterior cingulate cortex area of the brain—the area thought to interpret emotion and pain—was active in both instances. “Exclusion and rejection literally hurt,” John Bargh, a psychology professor at Yale, told me.

But the silent treatment ultimately harms the person causing it, too. Humans are predisposed to reciprocate social cues, so ignoring someone goes against our nature, Williams said. The perpetrator is therefore forced to justify the behavior in order to keep doing it; they keep in mind all the reasons they’re choosing to ignore someone.

“You end up living in a constant state of anger and negativity,” Williams said. Worse, the silent treatment can become addictive. The father who couldn’t force himself to speak to his son again suffered the way many addicts suffer—through repeating an activity despite knowing its harm.

“Most people who start giving the silent treatment never intend for it to go on for as long as it does, but it can be very difficult to stop,” Williams told me. “It’s psychological quicksand.” Read: How it became normal to ignore texts and emails The silent treatment is different from simply cooling off in the midst of a heated debate.

One way to prevent a conflict from curdling into ostracism is to say out loud the exact amount of time you’ll be taking a break and to establish a timeline for when you’ll pick the conversation back up, Williams said. In some circumstances, it’s okay for unhealthy relationships to end abruptly, without notice, and with no expectation to resume—such as when a spouse or partner is physically abusive.

But when someone is using the silent treatment to exclude, punish, or control, the victim should tell the perpetrator that they wish to resolve the issue. To “voice the pain of being ignored” is a constructive way of expressing one’s feelings, and may elicit a change if the relationship is truly founded on care, Margaret Clark, a psychology professor at Yale, told me in an email.

Although a victim of ostracism should certainly apologize if they’ve done something hurtful, Fishel said, “it’s time to call a couple’s therapist” if your spouse uses the silent treatment tactically and often. “One of the worst feelings in an intimate relationship is to feel ignored,” she said.

Why does silence hurt so much?

Being left in silence can be extremely painful, as it involves the loss of connection, love, intimacy, and sometimes even family participation. It can also feel unfair and unkind, leading to anger and further fighting.

Does silence hurt more?

Research – Researchers have found that the silent treatment is used by both men and women to terminate a partner’s behaviors or words rather than to elicit them.   In abusive relationships, the silent treatment is used to manipulate the other person and to establish power over them.

• Silence is used as a weapon to cut off meaningful conversations, stop the flow of information, and ultimately hurt the other person.
• In fact, research shows that ignoring or excluding someone activates the same area of the brain that is activated by physical pain.
• Meanwhile, in non-abusive relationships, the silent treatment is often referred to as demand-withdraw interactions.

In these situations, one partner makes demands while the other partner withdraws or becomes silent.   Although these interactions may appear similar to the silent treatment, the motives are different. In demand-withdraw interactions, the demanding partner feels shut out and that their emotional needs are not being met while the withdrawing partner becomes silent due to hurt feelings and an unwillingness or inability to talk about them.

While not considered abusive, both approaches—the demanding and the withdrawing—can damage the relationship. Additionally, research shows that couples engaged in demand-withdrawal patterns are more dissatisfied with their relationship. They also experience less intimacy and poorer communication. What’s more, there is more anxiety and aggression in a relationship when this pattern of behavior is present.

 

Will he care if I go silent?

What does silence do to a man? – What does silence do to a man? Will he miss me if I don’t contact him? When you go silent on a man, it makes him miss you more and think of how to come back to you. Indeed, silence after a breakup is usually frustrating and confusing for anybody; let alone for a man.

Men respond to silence and distance emotionally, When they don’t hear from you for a while, their male instinct pushes them to find you and know how you feel. They want to see if you are fine, if you miss them or whether you value their existence. Strangely enough, it doesn’t matter if you like him to not.

Suddenly going silent on a man will leave him with many haunting questions. Think of it, you were talking before, and he has access to you. Then, you are nowhere to be found. That is enough for anyone to miss you and attempt to see you. In order words, if a man misses you badly, you can bet he will do anything to find you.

When a man shuts down emotionally?

Keep in mind it’s not about you – Stonewalling isn’t always your partner punishing you for a heated conversation. For some people, shutting down emotionally is a response to feeling overstimulated. It doesn’t have anything to do with you or how they feel about you.

Does silence build attraction?

The exercise of experiencing silence is another key tool that goes hand in hand with obtaining successful results through the Law of Attraction. You will find that taking time out to experience a moment of calming silence enhances the powers of the Law of Attraction.

Does silence give you power?

6 Ways Leaders Use Silence To Increase Their Power (And You Can, Too) Arianna Huffington speaks onstage during the THRIVE with Arianna Huffington panel during 2016, Advertising Week New York. (Photo by Slaven Vlasic/Getty Images for Advertising Week New York) Sometimes, words are not all they are cracked up to be.

Silence can yield more power than words. Inventor and artist said, “Nothing strengthens authority so much as silence.” Leaders know how to use silence as a tactic for speaking up for themselves and as an opportunity to lead. Here are six times when leaders use silence to increase their power that can grow your power: 1.

Build trust. If you want to develop effective relationships, you must build trust. To build trust, you must listen. When you want to establish a relationship, do not do all the talking. Introduce yourself, ask questions about the other person and listen.

1. Learn about the other person.
2. When the person realizes you are listening to them, they will listen to you.2.
3. Emphasize a point.
4. If you use too many words, the point you want to make can get lost.
5. Silence or fewer words allows you to be heard when it matters.
6. If you are in a meeting, don’t answer every question that is posed to the group.

Respond to one or two questions. Your words will be more memorable than those who chime in at every possible chance to weigh in.3. Negotiate. Silence when negotiating can be nerve-wracking. When the other person is silent, you wonder what they might be thinking.

Turn the tables. Let them wonder what you are thinking. Let’s say the other party mentions a salary figure. Do not answer immediately. Don’t say, “I’ll take it” or “No.” Pause. The discomfort of the silence will make the other person want to fill the void and start talking. Let them reveal information that helps you to have the upper hand moving forward in the conversation.4.

Empower others. Leaders empower others. They rarely tell people what to do. Rather, leaders provide others the opportunity to identify the roadmap for achieving the goals they set out to achieve. Leaders want to know what other people think. When you propose a new project, ask your reports to share their thoughts with you.

Let them speak up with their ideas. Leaders give others the opportunity to lead, helping you to gain respect and increase your power.5. Get the answer. The sooner you become silent, the quicker you will get your answer. Many people are guilty of asking a question and not stopping at the question mark. Don’t continue on with explanations or excuses.

These words dilute your question and the power of its message.6. Center yourself. You don’t need other people to reap the power of silence. Take time out of your day to be silent. Hold a moment of silence when you wake up in the morning. Go into a room during the workday, and close the door for a few minutes.

• Pause just before you go to bed.
• Thrive Global Founder & CEO Arianna Huffington says, “We all need time to be alone.
• We all need time to be still and,” We can’t be afraid of silence, Huffington suggests.
• Otherwise, we will burn out and succumb to a position of powerlessness.
• Leverage opportunities to remove yourself from the noise to center yourself and increase your energy and power.

There are times when Know when silence will help you more effectively speak up for yourself, lead and increase your power. How do you use silence to increase your power? Share with me your stories and thoughts in the comments section below or via or,

When silence is golden in a relationship?

Sharing the Sounds of Silence – Often people remark that the way they know that they are really connected is that they can be together without saying anything. This is the time when no one is speaking but a great deal is being communicated. This is the place where both are safe enough in the relationship that they feel the other without having to use words to create the mood. More from Suzanne B. Phillips, Psy.D., ABPP More from Psychology Today : An Overlooked Couple Skill: Knowing When Silence Is Golden

How powerful is silent treatment?

Social ostracism has been a common punishment for millennia. But freezing someone out harms both the victim and the perpetrator. Getty / Adam Maida / The Atlantic Kipling Williams has studied the effects of the silent treatment for more than 36 years, meeting hundreds of victims and perpetrators in the process: A grown woman whose father refused to speak with her for six months at a time as punishment throughout her life.

Her father died during one of those dreaded periods,” Williams told me. “When she visited him at the hospital shortly before his death, he turned away from her and wouldn’t break his silence even to say goodbye.” A father who stopped talking to his teenage son and couldn’t start again, despite the harm he knew he was causing.

“The isolation made my son change from a happy, vibrant boy to a spineless jellyfish, and I knew I was the cause,” the father said to Williams. A wife whose husband severed communication with her early in their marriage. “She endured four decades of silence that started with a minor disagreement and only ended when her husband died,” Williams said.

Forty years of eating meals by herself, watching television by herself—40 years of being invisible. “When I asked her why she stayed with him for all that time,” Williams said, “she answered simply, ‘Because at least he kept a roof over my head.'” A teacher. A sibling. A grandparent. A friend. Each story that Williams, a psychology professor at Purdue University, told me was more heartbreaking than the one before.

As I listened, the question that lingered most was How could these people do this to those closest to them? The silent treatment goes by many names: shunning, social isolation, stonewalling, ghosting. Although psychologists have nuanced definitions for each term, they are all essentially forms of ostracism.

And the tactic is nothing new. Ancient Greeks expelled for 10 years citizens who were thought to be a threat to democracy, and early American settlers banished people accused of practicing witchcraft. Religions have frozen out individuals for centuries: Catholics call it excommunication, herem is the highest form of punishment in Judaism, and the Amish practice Meidung,

The Church of Scientology recommends total ” disconnection ” from anyone deemed antagonistic toward the religion. “My research suggests that two in three individuals have used the silent treatment against someone else; even more have had it done to them,” Williams said.

Experts told me that although they need more data to know for certain, instances of the silent treatment have likely increased over the years as new forms of communication have been invented, “Every new method of connection can be used as a form of disconnection,” Williams said. Ostracism can also manifest in lesser ways: someone walking out of the room in the middle of a conversation, a friend at school looking the other way when you wave at them, or a person addressing comments from everyone in a message thread except you.

“Partial ostracism,” Williams told me, might mean monosyllabic replies—a terse period at the end of a one-word text message. But in serious cases, ostracism can take a heavy toll whereby victims become anxious, withdrawn, depressed, or even suicidal. “Because we humans require social contact for our mental health, the ramifications of isolation can be severe,” Joel Cooper, a psychology professor at Princeton, told me.

• In the short term, the silent treatment causes stress.
• In the long term, the stress can be considered abuse.” Read: The particular cruelty of domestic violence Although a perpetrator might use the silent treatment in many different scenarios, this is what every scenario has in common: “People use the silent treatment because they can get away with it without looking abusive to others,” Williams explained, “and because it’s highly effective in making the targeted individual feel bad.” The silent treatment is a particularly insidious form of abuse because it might force the victim to reconcile with the perpetrator in an effort to end the behavior, even if the victim doesn’t know why they’re apologizing.

“It’s especially controlling because it deprives both sides from weighing in,” Williams said. “One person does it to the other person, and that person can’t do anything about it.” The silent treatment might be employed by passive personality types to avoid conflict and confrontation, while strong personality types use it to punish or control.

1. Some people may not even consciously choose it at all.
2. A person may be flooded with feelings they can’t put into words, so they just shut down,” Anne Fishel, the director of the Family and Couples Therapy Program at Massachusetts General Hospital, told me.
3. But regardless of the reason for the silent treatment, it can be received by victims as ostracism.

One study found that social rejection provoked a response in its victims similar to that of victims of physical abuse; the anterior cingulate cortex area of the brain—the area thought to interpret emotion and pain—was active in both instances. “Exclusion and rejection literally hurt,” John Bargh, a psychology professor at Yale, told me.

1. But the silent treatment ultimately harms the person causing it, too.
2. Humans are predisposed to reciprocate social cues, so ignoring someone goes against our nature, Williams said.
3. The perpetrator is therefore forced to justify the behavior in order to keep doing it; they keep in mind all the reasons they’re choosing to ignore someone.

“You end up living in a constant state of anger and negativity,” Williams said. Worse, the silent treatment can become addictive. The father who couldn’t force himself to speak to his son again suffered the way many addicts suffer—through repeating an activity despite knowing its harm.

1. Most people who start giving the silent treatment never intend for it to go on for as long as it does, but it can be very difficult to stop,” Williams told me.
2. It’s psychological quicksand.” Read: How it became normal to ignore texts and emails The silent treatment is different from simply cooling off in the midst of a heated debate.

One way to prevent a conflict from curdling into ostracism is to say out loud the exact amount of time you’ll be taking a break and to establish a timeline for when you’ll pick the conversation back up, Williams said. In some circumstances, it’s okay for unhealthy relationships to end abruptly, without notice, and with no expectation to resume—such as when a spouse or partner is physically abusive.

• But when someone is using the silent treatment to exclude, punish, or control, the victim should tell the perpetrator that they wish to resolve the issue.
• To “voice the pain of being ignored” is a constructive way of expressing one’s feelings, and may elicit a change if the relationship is truly founded on care, Margaret Clark, a psychology professor at Yale, told me in an email.

Although a victim of ostracism should certainly apologize if they’ve done something hurtful, Fishel said, “it’s time to call a couple’s therapist” if your spouse uses the silent treatment tactically and often. “One of the worst feelings in an intimate relationship is to feel ignored,” she said.